SD-II

It’s a tough job being honest . especially with yourself.Because deep down you know that its ultimately what you think about yourself that matters.Yet however much I hate being honest with myself , it is unfortunately a necessity for me at this time.I really don’t have many options you see.There are two roads to self discovery.One is through love and the other through sheer honesty.Its easier when you discover yourself through loving and being loved by that someone special. Its smoother cause you get to share the journey to self –discovery with your beloved.And perhaps that is why I was searching so desperately for my soul mate.Somewhere , deep down I probably knew my journey was to begin soon.I so wish I had found him.That way I could have shared the most important phase of my life with the most important person in my life.But , lol ,you know what , maybe I needed to go through this alone.Maybe its best for me to discover myself through the rough road of sheer honesty.I know I need to take this one step at a time.I also know that there are lotsa people with me in this , all of whom love me very much and care for me. Yet I feel lonely , not alone ,no , but yes lonely. Tell me adi , have you ever felt so lonely in a room full of family and friends , that it suffocates you and just wanna go out and get some fresh air? All you wanna do is look up at the sky ,down on your knees and wish to be freed from this strange feeling of being lonely and yet not alone? I guess not. And I hope you never have to go through it all your life.But I have And now you probably are wondering how the hell on earth did you end up being friends with someone as crazy as me ? lol.Coming back to my self discovery through honesty. Its tougher than I thought.It hurts a lot and unlike I would have it , I just cant run to his arms and cry my heart out as I tell him about all that i am going through , all the decisions that I have to make which are sooo tough. Accepting myself , especially all the mistakes I have made , without indulging in self pity or excessive guilt. So I have to sit on the roof , leaning against the wall ,write this.This is by far the toughest thing I had to do.Confronting my own weaknesses after having seen my so called “strengths “ fail me.I had to start from scratch.Every single one of my beliefs , convictions , values , ideals was shattered.All my dreams and hopes burned to ashes.I was down on knees , humbled beyond limit.I had hit what they call rock-bottom.Yet with the love of some truly great people and time I started afresh.Right now I have to face my failures , my weaknesses and my faults without yet having discovered my talents and without yet knowing my strengths.I have nothing to fall back on and no one to comfort me.All I have is the knowledge that there are people who love me a lot and care for me.And that is the only thing carrying me forward.My latest challenge is disciplining the mind to break the destructive pattern of old habits.And believe me its one helluva tough job!!!!!!!!!Especially since most of these habits were picked up unknowingly.I so wish for the umpteenth time that I could take this journey through love.But for someone like me , I guess it had to be a lil more challenging than that huh?God! I have once again written way to much.Anyways , its official.I have gone nuts!I hope you don’t actually read the whole of this , just skim thru it and come down to the last line where I thank you for spending your precious time on reading this dumb blog!!!.