SD-III

Everyday on this journey turns out to be tougher than yesterday.Today, I let go all control and allowed my self to freely feel whatever my heart was repressing.This time surprisingly my mind shut up and listened to my heart .Here’s what my heart had to say.I am tired of pretending that everything was (is, is going to be) ok.I am tired of repressing the shame and humiliation I feel on compromising the values I had so strongly cherished once.I am tired of covering up the hurt and pain I felt at watching my dreams shatter and my hope die a cruel death.I don’t want to hide my pain, my hurt, my shame and most of all my confusion.I want to let it all out yet I am scared that after whatever has happened so far, if I let this out too maybe those around I won’t be able to accept it.I have fallen in the eyes of those who loved me and looked up to me.And I have fallen in my own eyes.Yet I can’t say which of the two hurts more.The pain is tearing me apart every second… its falling across my cheeks right now.I feel so alone. There‘s no one right now I can turn to.I feel so naked as if stripped of completely of whatever I had acquired in all these years (not many I know but still...)I hate the way everyone looks at me like I am a diseased mind and a rotting heart.For once I don’t want to know what’s right or wrong.I don’t want to know what’s accepted or notI feel like an alien on this planet.It doesn’t feel like I have been a part of this society, this bunch of insecure, hypocritical cowards, who judge me with spite in their eyes, when they know that they are fighting the very same demons as I am in the crevices of their mind.I don’t want to hide the fact that not being alive but being among such people and the believing once upon a time that I belonged in this society is what hurts.Only one mind understands what I am going through.Only one heart knows what I am feeling because it too had felt the same not so long ago.Only she has the courage to be whosoever she is without letting the society’s mind take charge of her life.She is the only one who is ready to accept herself in totality.Her thoughts and her beliefs are free from the conditioning of right and wrong. They are hers irrespective of whatever the society says. And she doesn’t judge herself with respect to those.Whatever comes her way, she has the courage to face it.And yet she takes complete responsibility for her feelings, beliefs and values.She has accepted not only her own imperfections but mine too with love and understanding beyond the scope of all those I know.She is my angel , my jaan.She is my best friend , my sister , someone I don’t hesitate to say , I love and cherish deeply and who has earned my most heartfelt respect and admiration.I look up to her and hope that someday in my own way I could thank her enough for letting me be a part of her life and for being such an important part of my life.Maybe finding myself, fulfilling my dreams and achieving my own goals and most of all by being happy would be a small thank you.I would be there with her through everything, I promise.And I would always faith in her, love her unconditionally … and hope that we grow old still being the best of friends.With her by my side , I have unshakeable faith in life and myself.And I know this is a phase , it’ll pass.What matters is that I learn all the lessons I can from this phase of my life and come out as a stronger and better person.Thanks for reading , it means a lot to me …Thank you