SD-XVII

Each day I wonder where am I heading to?

What is the worth of my life?

I evaluate my priorities, my relationships, my attitudes and everything that seems to matter sorting out what I want to keep and what I don’t.

Everyday I weave the fabric of my existence, thread by thread.

Values I hold close to my heart, moments and people I cherish; it’s as if I am filling up the treasure box of life with all that is precious all that is keepsake for me.

Who am I? To answer this simple question, every time, I look for new labels.

I search my past, my present, analyze and evaluate it all in an attempt to find a new label I can wear.

It’s strange how the labels keep changing. How varied the labels can be in such a short time span is even more fascinating to me.

But a part of me wants my mind to stop working.

Stop analyzing.

Stop labeling.

Stop trying to give meaning to everything.

Stop trying so hard to live and just live for a while.

No boundaries.

No rules

No labels.

No definitions.

No expectations.

Just pure living.

Just pure loving.

I need someone to share this life with.

Someone I can come home to…

SD-XVI

Things change fast.
Life moves on.
But the past still haunts us.
Even if just in the shadows of lonely times, it comes back reaching out to us, ready to take us back to where we were.
Sometime we make the trip hoping to relive the joy.
At other times it takes all our courage and strength to keep our self firmly grounded into who we are now.

Every time we resist, the past loosens some of its hold on us
Then comes a point where we stop resisting and dare to look into the eyes of our mistakes.
We face our past without resisting because we know now we can’t be pulled into the vortex and make the same mistakes again.
We know that we have learned our lessons and have moved on.
With one last look, we bid farewell to that chapter of our life.
This is what they call closure.
Memories do remain, but faded in some corner of our mind.
Lessons learned also remain, strongly imprinted in our hearts and minds.
We just free ourselves from the cage of emotions that the past had built around us.

I guess this is the biggest lesson I have learnt: The past dies the moment we let go of it.

And so, today, this very moment, I let go.

SD-XV

Life has become a drag.Boredom and frustration have set in.I am falling back into old patterns.Reminds me of something my history teacher used to always say,“History repeats itself till we don’t learn the lessons it has to teach us.”Second chances in life are something that should be wisely used.
Focus.
Control.
Balance.
Just keep ringing in the head non-stop…

SD-XIV

It hurts.It hurts more than anything else.Feels more than just a betrayal.It seems like everything I hate just comes back at me.With dishonesty topping the list, foul language follows closely behind.Allegations.Let’s see how I go about them.I’ll start with him.He lied to me.Lied to me about their relationship, about how he felt for her.His defense, at first he was confused, later he was worried I’ll get tensed about it.Why on earth would the fact, that he likes her a lot, get me tensed when this was the first reason I introduced him to her.And talking about my feelings for him, I made them clear long ago.So that does it with that.Now let’s move onto her.Ah...my best friend.First, best friends don’t hide things from one another.Second, best friends don’t keep their friends messed up about things.They either let them on things or they don’t.You say your mind when you are best friends.But somehow I never get that from her, do I?I always have to nag and dig it out from her.Her defense: she can’t say a thing on it so she passes the ball to him at this point.I am frustrated, sick and tired of this now; getting entangled because of little things, always having to compromise on things that matter to me, with them and everybody else too.Now tackling both of them at once, stay with me on this one.I am trying my best to get these two people to start realizing the potential they have for a good relationship( of any and probably every kind starting from friendship to maybe true love), trying to get them to come clean about their feelings.All I get is denial and lies.Fine, I can handle that.Deny what you feel, lie about it…still tolerable.But seeing them so disturbed I apologize for messing up their mind with feelings they didn’t want to have (or so I am made to believe).Yet what snippet do I catch on to??Ah…and here’s the best part.Confessions have already been made and I am left to assume the rest on my own…And this too, I have to nag and dig out of them.Why, you would ask??Simple. They don’t tell me to stay out of it, they don’t tell me what’s going on either.They let me hang there in the middle of the two, always wondering whether I need to be there or not.Now comes my favorite part, despite all that has happened so far, they both are happily enjoying their time together unaware of my misery at knowing just the top of the mountain, or at being fed a pack of lies or having things hidden by my best friend.Only when I call and demand an explanation, do they come to know that oh, they have hurt me in some way.And these two people I must tell you, are the ones I put very close to my heart.Her being my best friend of five years, he being the only guy with whom I shared all my joys and sorrows ( with the exception of my many net pals).And while I am at it, lemme tell ya how I’ll introduce them to someone:Meet my one-way-only-pals.Their mantra,“I’m there for your joys and sorrows and I’ll share my joys wid u too.I am there for all your problems, I’ll help ya thru them.What, my problems, nah, I fight them on my own, sorry.”Nice friends right?See, that’s my problem I don’t know how to appreciate god things in life…

P.S: In retrospection

These frustrations are recurring. I have learned now that they are unavoidable.Our natures are such that we can't help it.It can mature out eventually but that will take time and love.
So we stick it out with each other somehow, softening the edges, loving and sharing life with one another.

SD-XIII

My problems are within my self.Each day, the war of duality rages within me.Polarities fight each other, trying to gain dominance.Action never seems to catch up with thought.Strategies never seem to work.Plans never actualize.One way or another, the conflicting dualities tarnish the end result.Frustration builds up, blocking all doors, making the situation worse.Failure greets the effort at every step.Confidence vaporizes in the heat of defeat.Ideas are revolutionizing, strategy ambitious, plans thoroughly detailed.Yet the pure genius of theory always meets the practical klutz.Inevitable.Somewhere, something gets stuck.Lack of discipline, lack of control perhaps?Maybe lack of focus?Maybe lack of balance?Another puzzle, awaiting completion.Another attempt, here we go again…

SD-XII

I have not yet analyzed whatever happened today, so speaking purely on a factual- observational-effect only basis, I yelled, screamed and in short upset all the people who care for me.Yet I feel as if I am the only one always compromising and seeing both sides of any issue. I tell people what I feel and argue my point. Then later on realizing that I got a little bit too carried away, I apologize but I guess it puts me in an odd spot.I mean, I feel as if I am the person who is always compromising and seeing both sides of the issue. Whatever it may be, somehow I always find myself tangled up in the heart’s emotions and the mind’s analysis of those emotions.

SD-XI

Every day I realize just how much more needs to be done.
And yet everyday I also realize how limited one is in terms of time and resources.
It’s just so frustrating to be pulled in ten different directions at once.
I feel so alone, somewhat burdened because hardly one or two people I know, understand and comprehend the needs of the hour in the perspective that I do.
People around me, with countable exceptions, are reluctant to look beyond their own needs and comforts in order to bring about change.
They are very much satisfied with limiting pressing issues to drawing- room-discussions, not interested in initiating a change in the very system they complain about so vehemently.
It feels so sad; to be unable to share at the very least my dreams with the people I love and care about.

SD-X

SD-X
It feels so strange.All these people, they dont comprehend my dreams or their fragility.They thoughtlessly shatter them like the glass mirroring my true self.They dont understand or maybe they dont want to understand the intricate way my mind works.I dont know why i expect them to.I never realise that i should protect my inner world from them, for they cant tolerate that which they dont have the capacity to understand or maybe the desire to understand.Until, they shatter my inner world and it hurts.I dont know why i put up with this kind of shit over and over again.Maybe its time i pput a stop to this hurting.Buut somehow, i dont think i can.I guess i wasnt brought up to keep things hidden.They dont care, truly care, about my world.I guess alieniating myself would be a good idea.Every day, i find my inner world corrupted, the pure innocence of me fading away.I guess its time now.Now, whether it hurts or it kills i should take the step to protect myself and the things that i value.Perhaps the lessons have been learnt.Perhaps, i need to move on.
Untangle the mess.
Cut my soul away.
Freedom at last.
Faith in myself.
Trusting life, no crutches no support, move on.
Its time.Yes, its time.

SD-IX

I dont know why it keeps happening over and over again.I dont know why the more i try to untangle myself, the more i keep getting caught in this sickly web of emotions which have no place inmy past, present or futureI dont know why i keep dreaming of things which may or may not happen.I guess its okay to dream, bas unke poore hone ki shart nahin rakhni chahiye, haina?Ya shayad main hi pagal hoon...I dont know , i feel so lost all over again.I feel like i am going back to d place i came from with so much strength...I dont know how to stop this ...It seems like the wheels of fate have been already put into motion andnothing i think, say or do makes a difference.I feel like i am losing everyone..like i never had anyone...Yet why does it hurt, why?If i never had anyone then why does it hurt so much , Adi, why?Why cant this end, once and for all..???I dont think i have the strength to go on anymore....I know u'd b dissapointed ...but Adi, i am dissapointed too...of whati have made of things...I guess i cant let things be, i just have to interfere, huh?Emotions running high, logic running away....Sorry state.

SD-VIII

It’s a different road, the one I am treading so cautiously. A constant fear is gnawing at my heart. I have no support, no crutches whatsoever. If I fall I may dare to hope against hope hopen that a kind hand would be offered to help me get back on my feet.Every step I take on this road is a step away from the safety of the known.It is a step into unknown darkness where I hope to find my inner light, the meaning and purpose of my existence. Yet I have neither the confidence of treading ahead nor any comfort in what I am doing. That small worm of fear still gnaws at my heart.Fear that this inner-call to self discovery might as well be a hoax.Each moment of decision before the next step seems to stretch for an eternity.The shrill screams of broken rules falls on deaf ears, as I continue my journey into uncertainty.As I wobble and shake, anxiously, maybe even cautiously, peering into the darkness of myself, a foot midair, paused, the mind heart and body enter the realm of decision making.Yet, even once the decision made, the foot finds itself ahead of the other, light and still cautious.Once in a while when I rest on the roadside, the old world rushes back for rendezvous.Familiar faces, sights and sounds, the certainty in my step, all return.Then the eyes open and I resume my journey into the unknown and uncertain.The road ahead is now giving away in patches.I observe the chaos in me as another decision making moment stretches into eternity.To take that final giant leap forward, to the point of no return, before the ground under me gives away?? Or to run back into the shelter of safe certainty??Perplexed, the mind turns it over, churning, processing, and begins weighing the pros and cons. While the heart fills with myriad emotions aroused by memories of a happy past, fading now, to make way for the memories of the future.A silent prayer escapes asking a blessing of clarity be bestowed and the better choice be made.

SD-VII

Like everybody else, I lie and try to cover up my faults. I pretend that the consequences of my mistakes don’t bother me. Carefree and in good spirit, I try my best to cover up.But I have to pay a heavy price to keep me to myself; especially when, a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear and warm words from the heart are all that I am craving for.So only I know how every mistake I make wounds my heart. Only I know how every failure erodes my confidence, my self-esteem.Yet I try to smile and keep the tears from running away…I have learnt to build walls around my heart and hide my pain.I continue working even when I am most tiredI choose silence when I most want to talk.I smile when I most want to cry.I guess I am a changed person or perhaps this is what they call, growing up…

SD-VI

Sometimes life feels like a friend and sometime it feels like a stranger.Funny, how sometimes yo,u know everything and then there are times when you get lost.But you know something , I have learnt another very important lesson today.Life is just a game.Ya, I aint kidding.It’s just a game you play, a rollercoaster you ride.You lose some stages, wise up and then win some stages.Situations are put up before you.Your knowledge for the game is tested.Your presence of mind, strategizing ability, resilience and sportsmanship, everything is put to test.This game has no winners or losers though.You join in, learn the basics of the games , rules and stuff ,have a fun time and go back to where you came from.I think the problem comes when we start taking this game a little too seriously.Maybe all we need to do is lighten up and play our best in the true spirit of the game.Cheat sometimes, break a few rules.Play honestly too, sometimes.Take defeat in our stride and learn from our mistakes.Celebrate our victory with little humility.And most importantly, enjoy playing, just like any other game.I guess I had forgotten this simple truth.Maybe I was taking defeat too seriously.So seriously , that I wanted to quit this game.But hey , guess what , I am still in the game.And I hope that next time I forget that its just a game , somebody will spank me hard and refresh my memory!!!!Anyways thanks for reading

SD-V

You know , sometimes I feel like such a fool.I give people so much importance in my life when I mean nothing to these very people.I don’t know why I do it again and again.Somewhere inside I feel so grateful for all that someone has done for me , knowingly or unknowingly , that I give them , maybe too much importance.What they mean to me is so much greater than what I probably mean to them , that it sometimes hurts.I don’t know , sometimes I guess I lose myself , my sense of self .I don’t know , sometimes , something happens and my life spins around completely and I discover myself just stopped in my tracks , adoring , maybe even worshipping someone who doesn’t really have time for me anymore.For them its just a moment , when they feel the connection .For me that moment last an eternity , Adi.It becomes a governing factor for my life.Until , of course , I discover my importance in their life and realize my mistake , again.I keep doing it again and again .Its so frustrating , it’s a habit now.I value certain person’s presence in my life so much that I lose sight of myself for a while.And my presence in that person’s life , lol , doesn’t really make that big a difference.That hurts and hurts badly.I guess , lol , I am the idiot ,what else can I say?Why do I keep making the same mistakes over and over again?Why do I let people walk over me like that?Will I ever find someone , just one person , who values my presence in his/her life as much as I value his/her presence in my life?I don’t know .I really don’t know.What I do know is that I’ll keep making this mistake over and over again.I’ll keep telling people how much they mean to me and how their presence in my life has changed the way I am or simply how much they enrich my life .I as brought up that way and I believe that if someone matters to you , you should just tell them so and make them feel it.So no matter how much time I get hurt or feel stupid I’ll keep thanking everyone , who touches my life in one way or the other , in whatever ways I can.Thanks for reading

SD-IV

Another day in my journey to find myself, another lesson learnt.You have to love yourself before others can love ya.And for that, you need to let yourself be, without being self-judgmental.Well, Tuesday night I did just that.I observed all the thoughts that came to my mind, without labeling them good or bad.And I accepted that I had a dark side to myself.I had/have as much capacity for being immoral as I had/have for being moral.Knowing and accepting this somehow gave me a sense of freedom.I felt so much at ease with myself that it almost shocked me.Paradox? Ya, I know...But anyhow, I let myself surface…dark side or not was immaterial...It was then that I learnt what is probably the biggest lesson of life.Heaven and Hell, Good and Bad, God and Devil not only coexist but complement each other.Life is all about balance between these two forces/energies.And it’s all in our hand.Destiny just presents us with the situation.It’s up to us how we respond.And that’s how we create our own future.Life is really about perceptions and choices.How we perceive a situation and what choices do we make on the basis of our perception, determines essentially the quality of life we live.I had read most of these things in books but there’s a difference in knowing something and experiencing it.Its how the Germans put it, the difference between “wissen” and “kennen”.Anyhow, coming back to balance.I think that is what sums up everything – balance.Whenever faced with any choice, I would keep in mind this golden word –balance.And that’ll give direction to my life.It’ll help me make my dreams a reality.It’ll help me move towards fulfilling the purpose of my existence.And once again this lesson wouldn’t have been possible without the support and love of my jaan.She helped me accept my self - dark side included.She shared her own self completely (dark side again included) with me as I shared my innermost thoughts with her. She put me at ease just like I put her at ease.And we were with each other , absolutely transparent sharing whatever came to the mind , whatever the heart felt , just about everything.It was such a divinely lifting experience to be so transparent with someone, to just say what you wanna, raw and unadulterated. The one-pointedness of the mind, so effortless and so spontaneous, really came as a surprise to me. It was absolutely unexpected to say the least.The amazing sense of connection and the purity of the moment were just wow!It was a night I’ll always remember. I met my dark side after all!Well I guess this was long enough , what do you say?So I’d better end this here…

SD-III

Everyday on this journey turns out to be tougher than yesterday.Today, I let go all control and allowed my self to freely feel whatever my heart was repressing.This time surprisingly my mind shut up and listened to my heart .Here’s what my heart had to say.I am tired of pretending that everything was (is, is going to be) ok.I am tired of repressing the shame and humiliation I feel on compromising the values I had so strongly cherished once.I am tired of covering up the hurt and pain I felt at watching my dreams shatter and my hope die a cruel death.I don’t want to hide my pain, my hurt, my shame and most of all my confusion.I want to let it all out yet I am scared that after whatever has happened so far, if I let this out too maybe those around I won’t be able to accept it.I have fallen in the eyes of those who loved me and looked up to me.And I have fallen in my own eyes.Yet I can’t say which of the two hurts more.The pain is tearing me apart every second… its falling across my cheeks right now.I feel so alone. There‘s no one right now I can turn to.I feel so naked as if stripped of completely of whatever I had acquired in all these years (not many I know but still...)I hate the way everyone looks at me like I am a diseased mind and a rotting heart.For once I don’t want to know what’s right or wrong.I don’t want to know what’s accepted or notI feel like an alien on this planet.It doesn’t feel like I have been a part of this society, this bunch of insecure, hypocritical cowards, who judge me with spite in their eyes, when they know that they are fighting the very same demons as I am in the crevices of their mind.I don’t want to hide the fact that not being alive but being among such people and the believing once upon a time that I belonged in this society is what hurts.Only one mind understands what I am going through.Only one heart knows what I am feeling because it too had felt the same not so long ago.Only she has the courage to be whosoever she is without letting the society’s mind take charge of her life.She is the only one who is ready to accept herself in totality.Her thoughts and her beliefs are free from the conditioning of right and wrong. They are hers irrespective of whatever the society says. And she doesn’t judge herself with respect to those.Whatever comes her way, she has the courage to face it.And yet she takes complete responsibility for her feelings, beliefs and values.She has accepted not only her own imperfections but mine too with love and understanding beyond the scope of all those I know.She is my angel , my jaan.She is my best friend , my sister , someone I don’t hesitate to say , I love and cherish deeply and who has earned my most heartfelt respect and admiration.I look up to her and hope that someday in my own way I could thank her enough for letting me be a part of her life and for being such an important part of my life.Maybe finding myself, fulfilling my dreams and achieving my own goals and most of all by being happy would be a small thank you.I would be there with her through everything, I promise.And I would always faith in her, love her unconditionally … and hope that we grow old still being the best of friends.With her by my side , I have unshakeable faith in life and myself.And I know this is a phase , it’ll pass.What matters is that I learn all the lessons I can from this phase of my life and come out as a stronger and better person.Thanks for reading , it means a lot to me …Thank you

SD-II

It’s a tough job being honest . especially with yourself.Because deep down you know that its ultimately what you think about yourself that matters.Yet however much I hate being honest with myself , it is unfortunately a necessity for me at this time.I really don’t have many options you see.There are two roads to self discovery.One is through love and the other through sheer honesty.Its easier when you discover yourself through loving and being loved by that someone special. Its smoother cause you get to share the journey to self –discovery with your beloved.And perhaps that is why I was searching so desperately for my soul mate.Somewhere , deep down I probably knew my journey was to begin soon.I so wish I had found him.That way I could have shared the most important phase of my life with the most important person in my life.But , lol ,you know what , maybe I needed to go through this alone.Maybe its best for me to discover myself through the rough road of sheer honesty.I know I need to take this one step at a time.I also know that there are lotsa people with me in this , all of whom love me very much and care for me. Yet I feel lonely , not alone ,no , but yes lonely. Tell me adi , have you ever felt so lonely in a room full of family and friends , that it suffocates you and just wanna go out and get some fresh air? All you wanna do is look up at the sky ,down on your knees and wish to be freed from this strange feeling of being lonely and yet not alone? I guess not. And I hope you never have to go through it all your life.But I have And now you probably are wondering how the hell on earth did you end up being friends with someone as crazy as me ? lol.Coming back to my self discovery through honesty. Its tougher than I thought.It hurts a lot and unlike I would have it , I just cant run to his arms and cry my heart out as I tell him about all that i am going through , all the decisions that I have to make which are sooo tough. Accepting myself , especially all the mistakes I have made , without indulging in self pity or excessive guilt. So I have to sit on the roof , leaning against the wall ,write this.This is by far the toughest thing I had to do.Confronting my own weaknesses after having seen my so called “strengths “ fail me.I had to start from scratch.Every single one of my beliefs , convictions , values , ideals was shattered.All my dreams and hopes burned to ashes.I was down on knees , humbled beyond limit.I had hit what they call rock-bottom.Yet with the love of some truly great people and time I started afresh.Right now I have to face my failures , my weaknesses and my faults without yet having discovered my talents and without yet knowing my strengths.I have nothing to fall back on and no one to comfort me.All I have is the knowledge that there are people who love me a lot and care for me.And that is the only thing carrying me forward.My latest challenge is disciplining the mind to break the destructive pattern of old habits.And believe me its one helluva tough job!!!!!!!!!Especially since most of these habits were picked up unknowingly.I so wish for the umpteenth time that I could take this journey through love.But for someone like me , I guess it had to be a lil more challenging than that huh?God! I have once again written way to much.Anyways , its official.I have gone nuts!I hope you don’t actually read the whole of this , just skim thru it and come down to the last line where I thank you for spending your precious time on reading this dumb blog!!!.

SD-I

This is something to keep you company in case I am late tonight.I am writing this on the empty page between ray optics and wave optics in my physics NCERT textbook while sitting on the wall of my roof. It’s a nice breeze up here.I feel like its calling me. The night I mean. Its challenging me to step out of my comfort zone and face what scares me the most – my own failure.The wind , lol , its taunting me. It knows my heart so well.It knows things I even hide from my mind.It knows just how I have been escaping from hard work all this while.It knows that my fear of failure is so strongly rooted that it stops me trying hard and giving my 100 percent , being the best I can. It knows I hide behind it , use it as an excuse whenever I fail.I did not give it my 100% you see , I always say.The truth , my heart knows and so does this strong wind hitting me hard in the face right now. The truth is that I fail BECAUSE I don’t give it my best shot.I don’t put in my sincerity, hard work, my sweat and blood in things that should be my priorities.You work to your best but that doesn’t always give you the results that you want.I learnt this very early in life. But if you don’t work hard and then fail , failure doesn’t hit you that hard. If you fail , you can always say you didn’t put in enough hard work , make it look circumstantial .And if by pure chance , you happen to succeed even with the half-hearted effort you put in , you can brag about how your half-hearted effort got you so much success and speculate with ease on what your full effort would have got you.The cold hard rain is hitting me harder than the cruel wind in my face.I guess I should stop writing now.There’s no need to write more.Its going to be a stormy night …..The cold rain and merciless lightning , fast and so furious wind , cloudy dark sky….daring me, to face my self , to look in the mirror of my soul and face the truth.